My attempt to move from Southern California and create a happy and sustainable urban homestead in North Dakota, with some musings on life with deaf dogs, a gluten free spouse, and the occasional mischievous garden gnome. Thank you for visiting and I hope you enjoy.



Thursday, October 21, 2010

Where The Wild Things Sleep

At night when it's time for the family unit to hunker down for sleepy time, our two dogs, Shaak Ti and Tito, could not be more different in their sleeping proclivities.

Shaak Ti sleeps on the floor next to Alycia in a small bed with her Costco blanket that was given to us when we adopted her (yes it's been washed since then, many times).  We actually tuck her in every night, wrapping her up in the blanket so she's warm and cozy.  On chillier nights, she'll actually wake Alycia up in the middle of the night in order to be re-tucked.  Shaak Ti isn't the problem here.  As usual, Tito is the problem here.
Perhaps it's just another manifestation of his angst against me, or perhaps he's still bitter that my arrival years ago caused his eviction from sleeping in bed with Alycia.  In any case his main motivation seems to be a) annoying the crap out of me, and then secondarily b) getting a good nights sleep.  He generally ends up sleeping in his doggie bed in the office or in his doggie bed near the dresser on Alycia's side.

But his preferred place to begin the evening is underneath the bed directly under my head.  Thus he's in the optimal spot to not only spread his fluff and dander into my allergy prone sinuses but also to keep me awake with his noisy bedtime routine.  I like it to be quiet when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I know he knows this.  Regardless of my bedtime, 9:30 or 11:30 or anytime in between, he doesn't crawl under the bed until I get into bed.  He may be evil, but he ain't dumb.  This is fact.  Anyways, Tito's bedtime routine follows these precise steps:
  • Step 1: Engage in oral Yoga exercises and stretch lips, gums, and tongue, by executing a series of loud licking and smacking drills.
  • Step 2: Clean, massage, and explore/re-explore male dog parts and surrounding environs with great enthusiasm and vigor.  This step involves grunting, smacking, licking, and general rustling noises. 
  • Step 3: Savor the flavors obtained in Step 2 by loudly smacking and licking lips, gums, and tongue.
  • Step 4: Repeat Step 1
  • Step 5: Clean, lick, and chew (like a tough piece of ostrich jerky) on right hind foot.
  • Step 6: Savor the flavors obtained in Step 5 by loudly smacking and licking lips, gums, and tongue.
  • Step 7: Repeat Steps 5 and 6 on left hind foot, right front foot, and left front foot.
  • Step 8: Crawl out from under bed, stand as close as possible to where John is trying to sleep and scratch at collar and jingle metal tags.  Don't actually itch anything, just scratch at the collar for as long as you can.  Make it jingle, make it jangle, make it tinkle, make it rattle, anything to keep John from falling asleep.
  • Step 9: Crawl back underneath bed, focus on staying directly underneath John's pillow.  
  • Step 10: Repeat Steps 1-9 as many times as possible, preferably until midnight or 1:00 am.  
  • Step 11: Sleep
  • Step 12 (optional):  If you notice John get up in the middle of the night, wait until his return to bed, then repeat Steps 1-11.
As you can imagine, this drives me nuts, which I'm pretty sure is his prime objective, except for maybe Steps 1-3, which likely would be executed regardless of his situation.  Alycia sleeps like a stone and has no trouble falling asleep as the Tito commotion is happening.  Alas, I must suffer through his rancorous orchestra by myself until I can finally drift off.

3 comments:

Sara said...

Put these on your christmas list! You can at least eliminate Step 8 :)

http://www.google.com/search?q=dog+tag+silencers&hl=en&safe=active&rlz=1G1GGLQ_ENUS245&prmd=ivs&source=univ&tbs=shop:1&tbo=u&ei=L03DTKilFYWdlgf1w6QE&sa=X&oi=product_result_group&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CEMQrQQwAA

El Gaucho said...

Excellent, a cool stocking stuffer. Thanks Sara!!

Traci said...

Visiting from "From Blah to Ta-daa"...have you ever snorted wine thru your nose? It kinda hurts. Please don't write funny things like this while I'm drinking wine, 'kay?